Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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