I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can text with my tongue
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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