How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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