I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
