one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
high people should be assigned attendants
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
