You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
