I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
