The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize