I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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