this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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