just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
All I want is dick and wine.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
