Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
