Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
