My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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