I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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