Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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