I have demons in me.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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