So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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