I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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