I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is wine microwaveable?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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