So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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