ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
