dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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