So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
