First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
