I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
