I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
