I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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