it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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