I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
