He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
