That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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