girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Everclear isn't food dammit
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
