Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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