i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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