Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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