I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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