don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
