sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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