1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize