why do cheetos always look like penises
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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