Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
