All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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