so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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