I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
