Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
