watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
