I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
