sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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