if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
