Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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