They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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