I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she looked like the before picture.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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