your parents love me but you hate me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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