y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
