i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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