I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
