hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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