I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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