Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
