Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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