Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
