My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
