More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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