Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
