took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
organizing the empties. That sober.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
