omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
