me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
