Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
