On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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